How to Co-Parent with a Toxic Ex

Co-parenting with a toxic ex is NOT. FUN. You may be walking on eggshells, always on guard for the next conflict or manipulative tactic. How the heck do you co-parent with someone you feel like that around? I’m going to show you how.

I am all about having a positive co-parenting relationship. I am super passionate about teaching people how to get there but … I also know there are times where it seems impossible and it is impossible to positively co-parent. You can try your best to do what you can on your end but the other side is just not working with you which may be why you are here so let’s get into it.

1. I need you to accept that they are NOT changing.

Alright, so this may be a rough punch to the gut, especially to start this list, but it needs to be first on the list. Hear me out for a minute.

People are definitely able to change. I have experienced it personally and through my work. There is no denying that they may change. But I have you in mind right now.

In order to coparent with an ex you deem to be toxic, you have to accept that this is the way they are. It does NOT mean you accept disrespect or accept boundaries being crossed but you have to stop trying to change them or their perspective. Focus on the things you can control like your reactions, your responses, and your behaviors.

I know it is frustrating. I know you wish things were different and perhaps in the future it may be different but right now, in this moment, trust that things become easier once you accept someone for who they are AND who they have shown you to be.

2. How to communicate with a toxic ex?

Now this will apply if you are speaking verbally over the phone, in person, or communicating through text or email.

Communication is more than likely challenging at the moment. If that is the case, you need to keep interactions brief, direct, and to the point. Leave the personal stuff out. View it like a business, act in a business like way where the sole focus is handling parenting matters and nothing more. Stay within that box.

If you are speaking over the phone or in person and things tend to get outside of that box or if you are uncomfortable, there is disrespect, really any reason you think you should find another way to communicate, do so.

Yes, it is unfortunate, but for your kids and the well being of the relationship overall, it may be best to not speak over the phone or in person anymore. Perhaps communication has to happen over email for example.

I have a FREE co-parent communication guide where I go more in depth with examples and scripts on how to do this. You are welcome to grab it here!

3. I want you to practice reframing your mindset around this individual.

As best you can anyway.

Instead of viewing your coparent as an adversary, as someone you are going up against, try seeing them as someone you share a common goal with: the well-being of your child or children.

They may feel like an enemy often if there are personal issues going on, if you aren’t seeing eye to eye on parenting decisions, have different parenting styles, and overall it feels like it’s pulling teeth to get to a common ground.

I completely understand why it feels like an adversary but again, having you in mind, I know by viewing someone as someone who I have something in common with, even if we have different outlooks, there’s a calm or acceptance we can have over the situation.

We didn’t necessarily sign up to be in this scenario. It’s not what we hoped for but we need to make the best of it. Not just for your kids sake, but for yours too.

I know extreme cases exists but overall, attempting to change our perspective about them as someone we are on a team with, will help overtime, with intentional correction, to show up differently around them.

I am not saying to hope on this, but it could even inspire change on the other end too. Your calm, teamwork with a common goal attitude could be influential to the other side without directly telling them you need to change.

4. That sounds all great and compassionate and blah blah blah, but what if I am not there yet?

That’s okay. I have something for you too.

If there is strong frustration, annoyance, anger, maybe resentment there I would make sure to communicate the issue in text or email, but be intentional about it.

If there is something you need to bring up, open up your notes app first. Write down everything you need to say. Use it as a way to vent. Once you have it all out … I want you to edit it. Yes, edit it.

Let’s take the emotion out. Remember to not go outside that box we talked about earlier. We are in a business at the moment, keep it to only about parenting.

I know we can sneak and weave in jabs through talking about parenting but really, really try to avoid it. Right now communication should be, in my opinion, as dry as it can be.

Have a friend look over it if needed to assure it is clear, direct, and only about the kids. This is not only for your peace but you should also remember if you are in a legal fight these messages may be used as evidence in court. Be cautious and protect your energy. Vent it out elsewhere. (Not a legal expert, but I would not even risk the possibility.)

5. Be cautious, they may try to hook you into an argument.

They may be used to you reacting to them by saying certain things or pushing certain buttons. Don’t give into it.

I want you to think about past arguments and figure out what triggered your reaction, what really bothered you and why. Also think about how you could have maybe gone about it differently.

If it is something you are struggling with figuring out, my coaching application here to apply to work with me because sometimes it is not easy to figure out those triggers, the reasons, and the ways to change our reactions especially when they come out so naturally.

6. Live life on your own terms.

Having to involve yourself to some capacity with a toxic individual, frankly, may suck the life out of you. It can be miserable. Don’t allow it to. You deserve to be happy, live a fulfilling life, with pleasure and adventure.

The less we put our attention and energy into them, the more we can put into ourselves. Find moments of doing things you enjoy, laugh, be playful, create, do things you have always wanted to do but haven’t yet. DON’T allow someone to constrain your thoughts, your day, and your ability to really live.

Yes we know we may be “dealing” with them for a while, we know they may not change, but also know YOU can change. Be the person YOU want to be, the person YOU want to model for your kids. Show them how to live a life.

Show them how to live the life you would want for them.

Take care,

Mary