How to Build Self-Confidence as a Mom

We got things to do, we got places to go, the last thing we are thinking about is ourselves. We usually aren’t thinking hmm … how is my self confidence today?? But you are here for a reason. You know its something you want to improve and I will show you how.

I want to take the time to talk about confidence today because I know as women, especially as mothers, many of us struggle with a loss or decrease of confidence in certain areas or we simply know we need to build it.

I think it’s important to define the difference between confidence and self-esteem because I know we often use them interchangeably since they do overlap and I will be discussing both. So confidence relates to our belief that we are able or capable to do something. For example, I may be confident in my abilities as a student in school. However, just because I am confident about that it does not mean I have a high self-esteem. Self-esteem relates to appreciating and valuing yourself. It’s about how you view yourself internally, it doesn’t necessarily come from skills but from who you inherently are.

So now that we have those differences in mind, let’s jump into how to build our confidence, and how to build our self-esteem.

1. Self-assess.

First, I think it’s important to figure out where we are at so we have a starting point, we can self-assess some time from now and see if things are the same or if things are improving. Maybe it’s my clinical background coming through but I do believe it’s important for many to really see the change on paper and view the evidence that change has occurred. So if you are interested, I have created a self-esteem/ confidence checkup where you will rate certain statements and see where you fall with a score. It’s completely FREE, which you can grab it here or at the end of the post. But this gives you a chance to see your starting point and where you would like to get to.

2. Understanding the why.

After assessing where we are, we want to begin reflecting and understanding why our confidence or self-esteem is low now. Has this been the case for years? Is this situational where you’re currently going through something that triggered a path for a decrease in confidence and or self-esteem?

Unfortunately, especially for self-esteem, it may be something you have struggled with for years. But attempting to find triggers or where it stems from can be really helpful in undoing what has been done in the past.

For example, if you grew up watching and hearing a parent speak negatively about their body it’s understandable how you may have built the habit yourself. Through this realization you are better able to catch yourself in moments when you are displaying this same habit. Yes, this sort of work can be done with me or any other professional, but I think a good start to you exploring this is asking yourself after each negative thought you have about yourself, who or what told me that? Really think about it.

3. Stop comparing yourself to others.

I know we hear this all the time but please, please stop comparing yourself with others. I do not know if this is something we naturally do or a habit we pick up in our environment and upbringing but comparing does not serve us. Can others be an inspiration, something to aspire to? Sure. But to admire them as you pick yourself apart which then leads to low self-worth is NOT okay. Let’s work on unlearning that.

If you need to unfollow or mute certain profiles, do so. If you need to take time off social media, do so. If you need to begin following profiles that lifts your spirits, do so. Social media doesn’t have to be this horrible thing where insecurities stem from. Cater YOUR social media platform to what you want to see, better yet, what you need to see.

I know comparisons occur outside of social media, in real life, so let’s talk about it. Maybe it’s your ex’s new partner, maybe the new mom at school who looks like she has it altogether, it could even be a close friend. There is an image that is displayed or presented and for some reason or reasons we feel inadequate next to this presentation.

When you find yourself in this position, I want you to ask yourself, what if I am enough in this moment right now? What if I am not missing anything at all, how would that change my day? How would that change the way I feel right now? Try to imagine simply being enough.

Sense the difference and really attempt to reframe or change the way we view things. Even if it feels off at first, you have to stop the habit of thinking there is a lack, that you are less than. You need to be intentional about catching yourself, giving yourself grace for a habit you developed and have had for a long time, and then switch the perspective.

Maybe it’s that the new mom seems like she is doing great, I am happy for her. My ex and their partner seem so happy and yet I am still glad we are not together, we are not compatible, our values did not align. We jump to the negative quickly, but we need to take a step back and look at things from a broader scope and write a different story for ourselves. The more we practice this, the better it gets.

4. Be choosy about the people you surround yourself with.

I very much come from the perspective that we have control over our reactions and the way we think about things however, I also acknowledge there are individuals who perhaps do not help what we are trying to work on and maybe even make things more difficult. If you find yourself feeling less than around certain people, after attempting to switch things on your end, I would consider distancing myself from them.

My sister, should out to Tiffany : ), really has taught me this. Friendship and relationships really take a lot of energy. If we are bringing forth energy to others, allow it to be with people who pour positive energy back to you, people who you enjoy being around, people who lift you up. Take a look at the relationships you are investing in. Invest your time and energy into people who make you feel better, who inspire you, not the opposite.

5. Body neutrality.

Now I know many of us struggle with confidence and worthiness when it comes to our bodies and our appearance. I would love to make a whole individual post about this topic but for now I will mention this. We often hear body positivity which I do believe a lot of that movement has been, well … positive. However, I want to take it a step back. When working with clients who are really struggling with confidence and self-worth our goal is usually to get to a neutral place not even a positive one. That comes later.

Allow the goal to be a space of neutrality with ourselves. We may view ourselves through such a negative lens that positivity seems like a far reach or ask. That’s okay. I want you to practice appreciating yourself for the body you have. For the container of your soul, your personality, the container of all your attributes. Nothing more, nothing less.

It is something that provides you function to move, to think, to speak. Appreciate it for its functions, let’s not give it further value beyond that. Our bodies are truly incredible so focusing on the things we probably take for granted moves us from a space of hating or disliking our bodies and picking it apart to a place of basic appreciation for it.

The aim is to be neutral. We don’t have to make the jump to being in love with our body and loving every “imperfection” right now but let’s just see it for what it is, our body. Similar work in body positivity, we can scan and look at ourselves in the mirror but with an aim of neutrality. See it for what it is and what it does for you. That’s the first place I want you to get to. Like I said, I will make a separate post explaining this further and going beyond neutrality but for now let’s just get there.

Let me know in the comments if that resonates with you. Past clients have found it really helpful and I do think it’s a good starting point but I want to know what you think.

6. Battle with perfectionism.

I have found that many who struggle with feelings of low self worth and confidence also struggle with perfectionism. Yes, I am calling out all of you perfectionist out there! : ) I get it, I can be one as well and if I don’t catch myself, it can affect me pretty bad.

Know that I don’t view being a perfectionist as a “bad” thing. I actually think it carries some great ways of being and doing things but for some, it can negatively affect them at times.

We really can be our own worst enemy. We can be soooo hard on ourselves and it’s often because we are setting these really high expectations and achievements to reach and surpass. And not just achieve them but achieve them in a specific way. When things don’t go as we planned or expected, we become frustrated and upset at ourselves. We look inward to see what we are lacking that we were not able to do this one thing.

I want you to accept imperfection. Yes we know we are imperfect, but really understand that. We try our best but sometimes we don’t reach what we are aiming for. It doesn’t mean you are less valuable of a person. Make it mean something else.

It doesn’t mean we are inherently lacking something in terms of value. Maybe we need to adjust, study differently, wake up a little earlier, maybe do something less, change a behavior etc. depending on the context, but what I am trying to tell you is just because we are not perfect at something or perfect in general, that has absolutely NO say on you and your value as a person.

Instead of jumping to I’m stupid, I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m unlovable, acknowledge that saying and believing those things may not be helping you. Let’s shift to saying and believing things about yourself that will.

I really hope you found these tips helpful. Please let know how they land and how you plan to apply them. I enjoy hearing the feedback, I really welcome it.

Remember to grab the free assessment from tip number one down below if you’re interested.

-Mary