Surviving the First Year as a Single Mom
Do you feel like you’re barely keeping your head above water? You’re treading, and treading water as best you can and maybe going under at times? All the weight, all the responsibility is on you and you’re not sure how much longer you can hold on? I hear you and I got you. Let’s learn how to move through the first year of being a single mom and beyond.
1. Allow yourself to feel everything.
I didn’t say act on everything, but feel everything. That could be feeling resentful, angry, overwhelmed, sad, doubtful, or even regretful. Don’t judge yourself for having the feelings you do, that is NOT going to help. Have the thoughts, have the feelings, and just observe them for what they are.
I find the more we fight a feeling or try our best to suppress them, they end up coming out eventually and … more than likely in a way that isn’t controlled. In ways we are not proud of like it possibly being unleashed on unintended people like our children or other loved ones verbally or by our moods. So sit with the feelings. Now what does that mean?
That means being uncomfortable with the feelings for a bit. Don’t quickly push them away but instead be curious about them. Ask yourself what triggered this feeling? Do I need to vent this out? Should I call someone or journal? Can I simply breathe and allow the wave of emotion to come in and out.
Once we have this awareness and can really feel our emotions without pushing them away, we will pick up the pattern that they come, and they go. Extend yourself grace. I assume for most of you, you didn’t plan on being a single mother. You are adjusting to A LOT of new things, give yourself the space to learn.
2. Reflect on what has worked in the past.
Now this one I feel is underrated. When we are trying to find solutions (just as you did by clicking on this post which I appreciate : ) we are usually trying to find new solutions, things we have not thought about or come across before right?
However, I want you to think of what has helped you navigate tough times in the past. There is sooo much insight there you can grab from because you have evidence of it working in the past and it may very well apply here too, even if the circumstances are different.
For example, when I am feeling down, or overwhelmed I know with 99.9% certainty I am going to feel much better after a shower. There is something about water with me that calms me down, clears my mind, and allows me to deal with whatever I am going through. If there are intense feelings, I have a good cry in the shower, let it go, and I am then better able to function the rest of the day. It’s not to say those feelings or thoughts are completely gone or my problems are solved but I can get through the day much easier.
So, think back to times you have struggled and think about what helped you get through. Maybe that was calling a friend to vent, maybe it was painting or working on something creative to find calm, maybe you just need a quick nap to get energy. It can be a multitude of things, but remember to keep the same tool belt. Sure, we are adding new ones to it overtime and some things change but you do not have to create a whole new tool belt because you are encountering a new challenge. Try things you know that have worked for you.
3. Be higher on your priority list.
Usually you hear “you have to be number one, you can’t pour from an empty cup,” which I understand however, not everyone can afford to put themselves as number one. Sometimes you are in a position of pure survival and work has to come first in order to put food on the table. Or sometimes your kids health is your sole focus because they are unwell and yours goes last on the list.
Logically I get the concept, you have to put your mask on before you help someone else put theirs on, but I also know sometimes, often times, things are not black and white or so clearly and orderly. That is why I am suggesting to be higher on your priority list.
Some days you may be number one which is awesome, other days number five. Maybe other days you are at an eight, but you really do need to be intentional about taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. If you are being intentional about it, naturally you will move yourself up on the list.
I know, from experience, that you are NOT high on that list so get to it! That could be exercising, reading, making an actual meal for yourself. Don’t make it seem like that is obvious, I know y’all be making your kids amazing home meals and then you eat the scraps. For the same reasons you are assuring they eat well, you eat well too.
Also add some joy outside of motherhood into your life. Continue a hobby or pick up a new one. It’s not something you have to invest all kinds of time into but creating pockets of joy in your day, in your week, things to look forward to just for you can make a huge impact on your mood and how you show up.
4. I am FINALLY getting to co-parenting.
Oh co-parenting … co-parenting. Some moments are tougher than others but overall, outside of extreme cases, we can navigate it well with certain tools. I do want to break this topic down more in a future blog post but for now its important to know this first year is a huge adjustment period. You are not only adjusting to 1) being a single mom, but 2) you are adjusting to being single in general, and 3) you are adjusting to interacting with your coparent in a different way than ever before.
You are getting over or healing the past relationship while also establishing a new kind of relationship with them. It’s a tricky time, maybe confusion, unsureness, and hesitancy. Maybe upset at them, or them upset at you, all the while you are attempting to raise a child or children with them. It can be messy but it doesn’t have to be.
My biggest piece of advice, especially for the first year of being a single mom, is to not take things personally and separate your personal relationship with your coparent with the new relationship you are trying to build. Right now they are simply your coparent.
It is not easy to make that switch but you have to be very intentional about communicating with them ONLY about parenting stuff. No judgments about their character or what occurred in the past or during the breakup. If you need help on getting through a breakup and moving forward, click above for my coaching services information. But in the meantime, you have to try your very very best to only keep communication in the box of coparenting in the beginning when all parties are still adjusting.
5. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself and your kid(s).
Regardless if prior to being a single mom you were a wife or a girlfriend, DON’T be afraid to ask or fight for what your kids or what you may have rights to. I am not an attorney, but from my own experience and when talking to clients, sometimes we pull back from advocating for ourselves and kids because we want to keep the peace, we want to avoid the courts, the fees, and the overall stigma attached with battling family law issues in court.
I completely understand all of that however, I also want to remind you that sometimes advocating is uncomfortable, and it can also lead to something great for your family whether that is clarity of a custody agreement or financial help with child support or alimony among other benefits. If mediation is possible and you all are able to come to an agreement where you are as content as you can be, that is awesome but please don’t pull back from advocating because of fear.
It’s okay to receive what is yours, it’s okay to receive what is your child’s and support them. It’s okay to stand up for yourself, your kids, and bring clarity to your family.
Being a single mom can feel isolating at times. It can feel like you are the only one going through this. I want you to reach out to other moms and single moms, lean on a support system, if you don’t have one, let’s make steps to create one, but you don’t have to do it alone.
If you have any stories or tips of your own you want to share, please leave them in the comments for all of us to read. I really hope you found this helpful, until next time.
Take care,
Mary
